So many wonderfully written descriptions. Kept wanting to call out one, then saw another. This kicked me: “I remember absolutely hating myself all over again, with a fresh coat of loathing still dripping from the last binge.” Perfect combination of poetry and pain. A friend who keeps relapsing told me last week that it actually has been different for him. It’s been worse.
Ha I remember writing that line about the fresh coat of loathing as a last minute addition to the essay. I'm glad it resonated. And yes - what your friend says about it being worse is what I'm hearing too. I appreciate the comments!
So many of us have self-loathing. And voices that encourage this. Those voices are wrong. We are good people with an especially cruel disease. Please don’t quit before the miracle.
I love the declaration: "Those voices are wrong." Hell yes - we have evidence to support this and we can honestly declare it now. Thanks for the reminder and the pep talk 💪🏼
Excellent reflections, Marc. And great self-awareness to know that the self loathing is often the starting point for relapse, but it's also one of the hardest things to overcome when we get sober. That's why I like the idea of showing that self-loathing part of myself that there are other parts of me, and they love the new me. I essentially outvote and overrule that part nowadays.
Keep at it. Keep fighting it and keep talking about it. We're in this together and I'm honored to walk alongside people such as yourself in this journey.
I'll keep writing, too. I appreciate the encouragement 🙏🏼
Thank you for this Shane. 'this time will be different'...it never fucking is different, and sometimes it is worse. What really caught me is where you touched upon Stockholm Syndrome; I just recently made the connection of how I kept coming back to my abusive brother in his kind moments ~ relishing that switch in him ~ yet knowing it was only temporary. I would be hurt and disappointed again. .... It is the same with alcohol for me. I know if I return to it, it will hurt me again, despite its' brief promise of relief and inclusion. Enough said, no need to get into the weeds. I really appreciate your writings, they speak to me and get me thinking and feeling forward. Thank you
Wow, Alex - what an honest and brave look into your own lived experience of this, both inside and outside of alcohol. Thank you for that reflection 🙏🏼 and for the kind words. I'm happy my writings help you think and feel forward.
I liked this essay. I feel like the misconception in our time is looking at alcohol as a good thing, a release, an escape, a whatever, I look at it like poison shit, and always brings the same results. That feeling has kept me from thinking of it as a good thing or considering it again. Although, as you have suggested, it is more about being human and how the mind interprets and comes to things, which goes to questioning the meaning we make out of things. I'll have to think more about it. Thank you for an interesting read! a good cautionary tale
Thanks, Sandra. Great reflections. And you're right about the misconception that alcohol is a good thing. What I find fascinating is that it's true even within recovery circles. Thanks for the insight 🙏🏼
Even when drinking, after every spiral, I told myself ‘this time it will be different’, I’ll manage it, I won’t go as far, I can do it… and again, it wasn’t different, a haunting replay of exactly what I swore wouldn’t happen. Thank you for sharing!
My "this time it will be different" would come in the form of a memory. This was an image of me sitting in a beer garden in Oxford on a summer's day. It was like the perfect advertisement designed to pull me back to the old life.
I eventually became grateful for this image because it was showing me what I actually wanted. It wasn't about drinking. In this image I would be comfortable in my own skin, comfortable around other people, and life just felt full of wonder and possibility. Once I got those things, I didn't need alcohol anymore.
One of the things that drew me to your post was the image of the lighthouse. That old memory acted like a lighthouse for me. When I misunderstood it, it kept sending me to the rocks. But when I looked more deeply at it, I found safety.
What a vivid reflection regarding the form that phrase "this time it will be different" took for you. It reminds me of what a meeting leader said about drinking dreams early on in my sobriety – they remind us that we made the right decision. I love that reframe, and you've done the same here. Let an invitation become a reminder. That's awesome.
And thanks for the comment regarding the image. I'm proud of that one. I thought it captured the essay perfectly and I'm glad it grabbed your attention.
Absolutely, people will often feel guilty about drinking dreams, but they can actually be a positive thing. The fact that we wake up feeling relieved that it was just a dream is a positive sign. It shows that they are committed at a deep level. On the other hand, if we woke up thinking "that was great", this would be less positive.
What an awesome commentary on that old voice, entity, that’s creeping around out there on the rocky seas of sobriety Shane. I always can see myself in your words…thanks again my friend.
This really struck me this morning, thank you. Yesterday I read a piece about shame, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how the shame around my drinking has gone away in my sobriety, but how it shows up in other places: work, mostly. Not feeling like I’ve been successful, etc. This really connected to that for me in a lot of ways - what is my body really trying to tell me when I feel these things? Sobriety for me has been a lot of getting curious about who I am - drinking drowned that person and I’m digging her out. I really appreciate these words - gonna go back and read them again! ❤️
I've written about shame so much because it's Public Enemy #1 for me. I like how you pointed out that shame often jumps ship when it discovers that you're no longer ashamed of one thing, it just brings up another. This essay I wrote a while back talks about that revelation (If I Know What I'm Ashamed Of, I Already Know What I'm Proud Of). I realized that my shame was pointing me to exactly what I was proud of. I started using it as a roadmap – if I'm ashamed of it, for instance lying, then I must take pride in the opposite of it, like honesty. Early on in sobriety when I would start feeling shame about my old ways, it just reminded me of how proud I am of my new ways.
This is a great way of thinking, Shane. Thanks for helping to shift my perspective. I’ll be taking that thinking into some work things I’ve been sitting with that have made me feel like I’m not doing enough. I think I need to realize how far I have come, and how much has been done. Such good advice.
So many wonderfully written descriptions. Kept wanting to call out one, then saw another. This kicked me: “I remember absolutely hating myself all over again, with a fresh coat of loathing still dripping from the last binge.” Perfect combination of poetry and pain. A friend who keeps relapsing told me last week that it actually has been different for him. It’s been worse.
Funny how those lovely lines lurk in our brains and pop out when we need them.
Thanks, JoAnn 🙏🏼
Ha I remember writing that line about the fresh coat of loathing as a last minute addition to the essay. I'm glad it resonated. And yes - what your friend says about it being worse is what I'm hearing too. I appreciate the comments!
That line/verse touched part of my consciousness/remembrance that mere sobriety has yet to overcome.
Brutally negative self assessment.
It remains.
Quite possibly the first step to relapse (though that hasn’t happened… yet)
But I recall the self loathing… sober and otherwise.
The place I try to avoid. Not always successful to be sure.
The longer I stay my course the more transient that dark period becomes.
I trust the experience of others.
I know deeply that, deserved or not, the first drink will take me far beyond where I left off ( a place I never want to return to)
Keep writing brother… it does the world and you a significant good
So many of us have self-loathing. And voices that encourage this. Those voices are wrong. We are good people with an especially cruel disease. Please don’t quit before the miracle.
I love the declaration: "Those voices are wrong." Hell yes - we have evidence to support this and we can honestly declare it now. Thanks for the reminder and the pep talk 💪🏼
I needed it, as I'm sure so many others do too
Excellent reflections, Marc. And great self-awareness to know that the self loathing is often the starting point for relapse, but it's also one of the hardest things to overcome when we get sober. That's why I like the idea of showing that self-loathing part of myself that there are other parts of me, and they love the new me. I essentially outvote and overrule that part nowadays.
Keep at it. Keep fighting it and keep talking about it. We're in this together and I'm honored to walk alongside people such as yourself in this journey.
I'll keep writing, too. I appreciate the encouragement 🙏🏼
Thank you for this Shane. 'this time will be different'...it never fucking is different, and sometimes it is worse. What really caught me is where you touched upon Stockholm Syndrome; I just recently made the connection of how I kept coming back to my abusive brother in his kind moments ~ relishing that switch in him ~ yet knowing it was only temporary. I would be hurt and disappointed again. .... It is the same with alcohol for me. I know if I return to it, it will hurt me again, despite its' brief promise of relief and inclusion. Enough said, no need to get into the weeds. I really appreciate your writings, they speak to me and get me thinking and feeling forward. Thank you
Wow, Alex - what an honest and brave look into your own lived experience of this, both inside and outside of alcohol. Thank you for that reflection 🙏🏼 and for the kind words. I'm happy my writings help you think and feel forward.
I liked this essay. I feel like the misconception in our time is looking at alcohol as a good thing, a release, an escape, a whatever, I look at it like poison shit, and always brings the same results. That feeling has kept me from thinking of it as a good thing or considering it again. Although, as you have suggested, it is more about being human and how the mind interprets and comes to things, which goes to questioning the meaning we make out of things. I'll have to think more about it. Thank you for an interesting read! a good cautionary tale
Thanks, Sandra. Great reflections. And you're right about the misconception that alcohol is a good thing. What I find fascinating is that it's true even within recovery circles. Thanks for the insight 🙏🏼
Even when drinking, after every spiral, I told myself ‘this time it will be different’, I’ll manage it, I won’t go as far, I can do it… and again, it wasn’t different, a haunting replay of exactly what I swore wouldn’t happen. Thank you for sharing!
You're welcome. Unfortunately it's all-too-familiar territory for many of us. Thanks for the comment! 🙏🏼
My "this time it will be different" would come in the form of a memory. This was an image of me sitting in a beer garden in Oxford on a summer's day. It was like the perfect advertisement designed to pull me back to the old life.
I eventually became grateful for this image because it was showing me what I actually wanted. It wasn't about drinking. In this image I would be comfortable in my own skin, comfortable around other people, and life just felt full of wonder and possibility. Once I got those things, I didn't need alcohol anymore.
One of the things that drew me to your post was the image of the lighthouse. That old memory acted like a lighthouse for me. When I misunderstood it, it kept sending me to the rocks. But when I looked more deeply at it, I found safety.
Thank you for that, Paul 🙏🏼
What a vivid reflection regarding the form that phrase "this time it will be different" took for you. It reminds me of what a meeting leader said about drinking dreams early on in my sobriety – they remind us that we made the right decision. I love that reframe, and you've done the same here. Let an invitation become a reminder. That's awesome.
And thanks for the comment regarding the image. I'm proud of that one. I thought it captured the essay perfectly and I'm glad it grabbed your attention.
Absolutely, people will often feel guilty about drinking dreams, but they can actually be a positive thing. The fact that we wake up feeling relieved that it was just a dream is a positive sign. It shows that they are committed at a deep level. On the other hand, if we woke up thinking "that was great", this would be less positive.
Agreed
What an awesome commentary on that old voice, entity, that’s creeping around out there on the rocky seas of sobriety Shane. I always can see myself in your words…thanks again my friend.
Thanks Joe 🙏🏼
I appreciate your words, brother.
This really struck me this morning, thank you. Yesterday I read a piece about shame, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how the shame around my drinking has gone away in my sobriety, but how it shows up in other places: work, mostly. Not feeling like I’ve been successful, etc. This really connected to that for me in a lot of ways - what is my body really trying to tell me when I feel these things? Sobriety for me has been a lot of getting curious about who I am - drinking drowned that person and I’m digging her out. I really appreciate these words - gonna go back and read them again! ❤️
Thanks for that, Kate 🙏🏼
I've written about shame so much because it's Public Enemy #1 for me. I like how you pointed out that shame often jumps ship when it discovers that you're no longer ashamed of one thing, it just brings up another. This essay I wrote a while back talks about that revelation (If I Know What I'm Ashamed Of, I Already Know What I'm Proud Of). I realized that my shame was pointing me to exactly what I was proud of. I started using it as a roadmap – if I'm ashamed of it, for instance lying, then I must take pride in the opposite of it, like honesty. Early on in sobriety when I would start feeling shame about my old ways, it just reminded me of how proud I am of my new ways.
Thanks for the reflections 💯
This is a great way of thinking, Shane. Thanks for helping to shift my perspective. I’ll be taking that thinking into some work things I’ve been sitting with that have made me feel like I’m not doing enough. I think I need to realize how far I have come, and how much has been done. Such good advice.
An incredible pop-out for me was:
“We remember the chemistry and forget the captivity.”
….Shane Willbanks
Imho that says it all. Thank you once again..
Thank God after 38 years I've not experienced this!
Amen, Cheryl - congrats on that and on 38 years 👏🏻